


Hey Adam

by EtoileGarden



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Communication, Genderfluid, Introspection, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 20:26:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15803967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileGarden/pseuds/EtoileGarden
Summary: This other thing. The uncomfortable itchy thing was something Ronan had lived with for long enough that so long as it wasn't looked at straight on it wouldn't be too big. Ronan knows what is is. Ronan had known for a long time. It had always been a secret.A possible AU fic about Identity.





	Hey Adam

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys here is another fic brought to you from Arden's dreams. I wrote this in snippets on my phone mostly while in a garden outside the terracotta warriors?????
> 
> Also I'm submitting this on my phone and the website keeps deleting my tags???? So???? Idk.

During the Glendower years, a lot of things got put on the back burner. Plans for  _ after _ , self-preservation, introspection. 

 

The biggest problem with the back burner suddenly becoming relevant again was that Ronan had gotten used to just ignoring so much of what was going on under the surface if it wasn't immediately addressable. Pain was easily addressable, barely even under the surface. Ronan  just had to scratch skin to let it out, pain, grief, anger, all easy and brittle switches. The feelings for Adam. Those had been too big to ignore. Opportunity kept pressing against Ronan. As well as the idea of Adam pressing against Ronan.

 

This other thing. The uncomfortable itchy thing was something Ronan had lived with for long enough that so long as it wasn't looked at straight on it wouldn't be too big. Ronan knows what is is. Ronan had known for a long time. It had always been a secret. First it had been a secret because Ronan was scared of it, almost, or, was scared of the shame and guilt he thought might be gifted from Niall and Aurora, even if only accidentally. Then Ronan had kept it a secret because everything else was louder, and how the hell do you tell your parents things like that when one is dead and you're not even allowed to see the other? Now it was a secret because it had been so long keeping it under tongue that it was too big and clunky to figure out how to say it out loud. 

 

The  _ biggest _ problem was, was that it was an important thing to say out loud. Partially because the longer Ronan had to think on it, the more it ate at heart tissue for ignoring it, and partly because ...Adam. 

 

-

 

Telling Adam means a few things though. First it means Ronan needs to put a name to  _ it _ , second Ronan has to properly acknowledge it, third, Ronan has to figure out how the hell you say shit like that to someone who has known you one way for so long. 

 

So. First. 

Ronan decides it doesn't need a fucking name, it's always been obvious in feeling, and hopefully that could be communicated somehow to Adam without having to stick labels to it.  

Possibly, Ronan thinks, this is simply another excuse to circumnavigate any weird shit lingering from less than helpful sermons. Maybe. 

It is what it is, just as Ronan is. 

 

Second is harder. Because that has always been a thing that Ronan has woken up to a feeling and thought, 'not today.’ 

 

Properly acknowledging it means waking up to a feeling, and instead of blaming the nausea and discomfort on generalised annoyance at having to exist as a physical body, looking at is straight on and saying, 'I’m not a guy today.’ 

 

After being able to clarify that being a guy was out, the next step was to figure out what today was. The thing was. The thing was that usually thinking of himself as himself was fine. Was good. But somedays, like today, 'himself’ felt like insult to injury.  _ Her _ self felt better. Not quite right. Or maybe it was but it was too… scary was the best word Ronan could put to it. So. 

 

Adam was coming around that evening, he had work all afternoon, but nothing tomorrow morning so he was coming to stay the night, which meant that Ronan had all day to figure out what to say. Well. It didn't need to be said today but, Ronan appreciated getting shit done. 

 

So. So. So.

 

-

 

Hey Adam you're bisexual yeah? Congrats I can be your boyfriend  _ and _ your girlfriend (maybe? I think?) You're welcome. 

 

Hey Adam I'm dying, haha jokes, I'm not, but I am sometimes occasionally a girl kind of? 

 

Hey Adam do you think I'd look good with tits? Not that I want tits? But, y'know? 

 

Hey Adam can you not call me your boyfriend today because it makes me feel like my lungs are collapsing and like my entire body is on fire. Maybe tomorrow? No of course I still  want to be  _ dating _ you. 

 

-

 

Explanations can wait. Ronan drinks way too much coffee, and then heads out to the far fields to work physically hard enough that itchy thoughts don't have enough room to sneak in. 

 

Physical work is fine. Ronan's body is fine, even, it doesn't add to the discomfort, thank fuck. Ronan likes being strong, long, thick, even. The only discomfort she finds in her body when she's a she is her fucking dick, quite honestly, because it's just  _ too _ much, but also? It's ok. If she doesn't think about it. The discomfort is focused mainly in her head. In words. In the need to be known. 

 

-

 

Hey Adam I don't want to change anything exactly, I just want you to intrinsically know when to think about me without masculine pronouns. 

 

Hey Adam I - 

 

Hey Adam  - 

 

-

 

The shitbox parks outside the house just a bit after 8.30 and Ronan still has no explanations. No easy words. Still can't bear to have Adam come in and kiss her thinking that Ronan is his boyfriend. Which is so fucking stupid because it had been  _ ok _ , it had been manageable on her other 'not a guy’ days until she had started to think about it. Until she had wanted to pry the words off her tongue. Maybe  _ manageable _ is too generous a word. 

 

Hey Adam help, help, help. 

 

“Ronan?” Adam calls from the entrance. Ronan can hear him kicking his work boots off. 

 

“In the kitchen,” Ronan calls back, “you eaten?” 

 

“Does half a sandwich that Rodney didn't want because it tasted like pickle, count?” Adam asks, coming into the kitchen, bare feet silent on wood floor. 

“Fuck right off,” Ronan replies with a snort from the kitchen table, “there's pasta bake in the oven.” 

 

“Thanks, babe,” Adam says easily, sliding past her and pressing a quick kiss to her forehead as he did, “I'm starving.” 

 

Ronan closes her eyes. Hey Adam. 

 

“Had a good day?”Adam asks. He's bent over the oven eating pasta bake out of the dish with the casserole spoon. “This is so good.” 

 

“'Cos I spat in it,” Ronan offers, “my day was… yeah. What about yours?” 

 

“Yeah?” Adam prompts. He takes the whole dish from the oven and brings it to the table to continue eating it. “Wanna expand on that?” 

 

“No,” Ronan sneers, “I'm gonna go shower. See you upstairs, yeah?” 

 

Adam looks at her, scrutinising, and then he nods and waves his implement at her. “Go on then,” he says, “piss off.” 

 

Ronan pisses off upstairs. She showers, brushes her teeth, slams a few cupboards, and then stomps off to her bedroom. Usually she'd wear nothing to bed, but that only works when she's alone or when  _ he _ feels more appropriate. Tonight it's shorts and a tank top and a fucking frown. 

 

-

 

Adam comes in half an hour after Ronan had buried herself in blankets, and he doesn't say anything, just shuffles around getting dressed and then climbs into bed next to Ronan. 

 

“You didn't wait to hear about my day,” he says once he's curled on his side facing Ronan, “does that mean your day sucked ass?” 

 

“It means I'm not 80 and I don't find small talk scintillating,” Ronan grunts back. 

 

Adam peels the blanket off of her head. 

 

“Babe,” he says. 

 

“Tell me about your fucking day, then,” Ronan snaps, tugging at the blanket. 

 

Her eyes are shut, but she can feel Adam watching her. Again, scrutinising. Adam tells her about his day. Ronan uncurls, lets Adam pull her into his arms. 

 

Hey Adam. 

Hey Adam.

Hey Adam. 

 

Maybe tomorrow. 

  
  


-

 

Tomorrow is another itchy day, which isn't a surprise, these things often clump together. It's not that Ronan prefers her guy days, or even her in between days, it's just that guy days, and even in between days are  _ easier _ because then words fit her. 

 

She doesn't want to get up. If she gets up, Adam will talk to her. Will know something is up and Ronan still doesn't have the right words. 

 

Staying in bed doesn't help because Adam gets up and goes downstairs, and then, comes back upstairs with coffee, and sits on the side of the bed, hand on Ronan's head. 

 

“You getting up today?” Adam asks.

 

“Not if I can help it,” Ronan replies. 

 

“Did Declan call yesterday?” Adam asks. 

 

“No.”

 

“Gans?”

 

“No,” Ronan repeats grumpily, “I just -” hey Adam, “- just -” 

 

Hey Adam I'm melting because I need you to know some shit but what if I explain it wrong and you misunderstand or it's too weird? 

 

“Ronan,” Adam sighs. There's a clink-thump noise like he's put the coffee down on the bedside table, and then the bed creaks and shifts as Adam climbs over her and settles down on the mattress beside her. “If it's hard to say, I can wait.” 

 

Adam is not lying. Nor is he bluffing. He's very good at waiting, also good at listening. Ronan is tempted to attribute that to Adam's dalliances with magical forest PA-ing but she knows it's nearly two decades of having to listen and wait for the right moment, instead. 

After a few moments Ronan half relents and tugs at Adam. 

 

“If you're gonna be here you may as well fucking cuddle me.” 

 

Adam obliges. 

 

“Sometimes,” Ronan says slowly, then changes her mind, “since I can remember,” she says, and changes her mind yet again. She still doesn't know what to fucking say. “Hey Adam.” 

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“So sometimes I'm not a guy - or I mean I don't feel like one. Like - obviously I still like… have a dick or whatever I'm not trying to say that I have another weird magical power that like… transforms my body randomly I'm just saying that it's who I  _ am _ and who I am is sometimes a fucking girl, I guess? Which is great for you 'cos you're bi, but also sometimes I'm not a guy or a girl or - God,  _ God  _ will you fucking say something?” 

 

She can feel Adam looking up at her. Ronan had dragged herself up and away from Adam's arms so she could wrap her own arms around her knees. 

 

“I was waiting for a gap to say something in,” Adam says with remarkable calm. “So, uh, like genderfluid then?” 

 

Ronan groans loudly, presses her face roughly against her knees. “I guess,” she grits out, “I don't like, fuck, I don't like naming it. But yeah, whatever. That.” 

 

Adam is silent for a long moment, the silence pressing cruelly in against Ronan, and then he says, “I can't say I'm… not surprised. I am. I'm surprised, but like… it's  _ fine _ -” 

 

“I know it's fine,” Ronan snaps. 

 

Adam sighs heavily from behind her, and then shifts up onto his knees and shuffles up to press himself against Ronan's back. 

 

“Tell me what you need, then? Pissbaby.” 

 

Ronan attempts to snort disdainfully, but the effect is lessened by her leaning back against Adam. 

 

“Nothing,” she says. 

 

“ _ Ronan. _ ” 

 

“I just needed you to know,” Ronan grunts. 

 

Adam is silent for another moment while he wraps his arms around her. “What do you feel like today? Do you have… uh… preferred pronouns?” 

 

“When did you read up on all this shit?” 

 

“Blue talks about it sometimes. And the ladies at Fox way. Also Persephone was non-binary, which I know isn't the same thing, but. So, do you?” 

 

Ronan grunts loudly. Sighs heavily. Presses herself more firmly in against Adam's chest. 

 

“She. Right now.” She grunts. “Usually he. I don't - I don't mind being called he when I'm neither. It's just when I'm… right now. When I'm right now that I hate being called a guy. Whatever.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. “So, want me to call you my girlfriend right now?” 

 

Ronan shrugs. She does. 

 

“Or my partner, instead?” Adam tries. 

 

“I don't -” Ronan says, “I don't know. Girlfriend.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says. 

 

Ronan shifts so she can look over her shoulder at Adam. Adam's face is nowhere near as calm as his voice. 

 

“You're freaking out!” Ronan says. 

 

She starts to shift in an attempt to get out of Adam's arms, but Adam rolls his eyes and holds her. She stops wiggling. 

 

“Give me a minute,” Adam says, “I'm not freaking out. This is just -  it's a lot. Ok? Just give me a minute to let it all… settle. Ok?” 

 

Ronan wants everything to just be smooth and immediately understood and to have absolutely not need to explain anything more. She nods. 

 

“Is there anything else you want me to know?” Adam asks eventually, “about how you want me to act? To say?” 

 

“No,” Ronan says, then, “yes. I don't - when I'm a… girl, I don't want you touching my dick. I'm fine with the concept of having one but I don't want it..  rubbed in.” 

 

“Or rubbed off,” Adam says, “sorry. Yes, of course, babe.” 

 

“I haven't told anyone else,” Ronan says. “Except for Noah. And… well. So. I think I want to, but for now I just want it to be you.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says, “so you don't want me to refer to you as my girlfriend to anyone else?” 

 

“Just in your head,” Ronan says, “is fine. I just… it's not a fun secret to keep.” 

 

“Ok,” Adam says again, “girlfriend. Do you want to get up and eat breakfast now?” 

 

“Are you going to carry me?” 

 

“Ha. Haha. Ok.” 

 

-

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is now etoilegarden!


End file.
